The more ambiguous and complex the environment, the more essential healthy and honest relationships become to sustain excellence in our lives. Those relationships become more challenging as complexity grows, and we feel the associated uncertainty that complexity generates. Have you heard the term "frenemy"? The Oxford Dictionary defines the term as a noun, meaning a person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry. Less formal definitions identify a person who acts like a friend but has feelings and acts with resentment, rivalry, or hostility toward another person. The frenemy in your life pretends to be a friend or to benefit from your relationship and secretly competes with or betrays you.
If your gut tells you one of your colleagues has turned into a frenemy, pause, and listen more carefully before you write that person off. Pay attention when you hear someone complain, criticize, or conspire with another against someone or something, and one more thing to notice, public correction or dismissal of another’s viewpoint. These clues suggest the one expressing this way is struggling with something, and it’s likely not about you. When on the receiving end of their sharing in this way, they likely trust you in sharing their negative messages.
In our professional and personal lives, tension often arises when conflicting perspectives collide, threatening to fracture relationships and disrupt progress on shared goals. Focusing on transforming tension into trust can unlock incredible creative power. Tension is a natural byproduct of diverse minds coming together. The clashing of ideas, beliefs, and values can either tear us apart or pave the way for growth and transformation. Understanding the dynamic nature of tension and its role in our quest for productive relationships begins with cultivating self-awareness. Take a moment to reflect upon a relationship that your gut instinct or intuition perceives could be a frenemy. Even that step indicates being judgmental. That state, being judgmental, is neither right nor wrong. The impact of being judgmental occurs first within. When we can catch it, we can short-circuit how we react and replace our choice with a response that invites more honesty and openness in the relationship. Our reflection focuses on discovering our triggers, biases, and assumptions that may contribute to tension in our interactions. By becoming aware of our emotional reactions and underlying beliefs, we can interrupt the cycle of tension and choose a different path.
Unlocking the power of trust requires us to practice empathetic listening. When we truly listen, with an open heart and a curious mind, we create a safe space for others to express themselves authentically. By allowing judgment to stir curiosity rather than justifying our viewpoint, we can dedicate our full attention to others. That attention fosters an open environment where trust can thrive. In the face of tension, we can focus on building bridges of understanding versus divisive positioning that ultimately creates win-lose rather than win-win outcomes. Instead of viewing differences as obstacles, embrace them as opportunities for growth and learning. By engaging in respectful dialogue, we can seek to understand alternative perspectives and find common ground. Through this process, trust grows, and collaboration becomes a powerful force for progress.
Genuine trust cannot blossom without the seed of vulnerability. One simple example of vulnerability in the workplace: “I don’t know, what’s your experience with this type of situation?” When we open ourselves to vulnerability, we invite others to do the same. By sharing our fears, hopes, and dreams, we create deep connections that transcend superficial differences. Vulnerability cultivates respect; the predicate for trusting relationships to sustain. It’s worth it to lean into difficult work relationships because we are better together. Here’s an ABC tip to strengthen even the most challenging workplace relationships.
- Activate your curiosity:
Has this person always been this way, or did it just start happening? - If the latter, when did it begin, and what might be going on in their team or their life? Be compassionate:
- Take a breath and reflect on whether you acted or expressed yourself unintentionally and unintentionally contributed to that person’s discomfort. If you discover some way you might have contributed, have a conversation as quickly as you can and accept responsibility. “Please forgive me if I created a breakdown, as I can see that I could have consulted you before I announced that decision.”
- If you can genuinely say “no,” then your best strategy is compassion, which means be with (com) the passion (of the other).
- A quick check-in might sound like this, “I noticed you had a lot of energy about that situation when we were together yesterday, and it seemed different than the calm, centered leader I know you to be. What’s up?”
- Notice the acknowledgment of something you value in the person included in the question. This signals that you noticed the change in that person’s presence and genuinely care about what’s up for them.
Challenge assumptions:
- It’s so easy to think that what we experience is what others experience, and that results in assumptions that make an “a**” out of “u” and “m” me.
- Adopt a practice of noticing when your attention inside of you starts being judgmental about someone or something that’s happening.
- Ask yourself, is it true, and what’s my evidence? If you can’t find any evidence to ground your judgment, think about who else you might talk with to find out what they think about the situation.
- If it’s truly the same person repeatedly who’s being a frenemy, it’s time to be direct. Ask for a private conversation. Listening is a skill we never master and must continuously choose.
Trust, like presence and authenticity, is a lifelong commitment to embrace continuous change rather than focus on a single destination or a conversation. To practice empathy and foster authentic connections, we must continuously notice what grabs our attention and allow our curiosity to look within. As leaders striving for personal and professional growth, we have the power to nurture trust by adopting an “asking” versus a “telling” approach to conversation. Asking allows leaders to learn more about their team members, demonstrates respect for the individual, and often reveals hidden capability and resourcefulness to give more opportunities for contribution to the team. Let giving trust to another become a spotlight on a path toward unity, and collaboration. Rise above the assumed challenge presented by a frenemy to discover the incredible potential within you to invite another to lean into mutual trust. For amid tension, trust has the power to weave a tapestry of connection that transcends differences and transforms lives.