Sure, I’ve had moments when I wondered, “Am I doing what I’m supposed to be doing?” Usually, that thinking follows a misstep, breakdown, failure of some kind, or a relationship that feels very rocky, and I’m not clear why or when that started. The instinct to judge, especially judging ourselves, is a common reflex. We’re hardwired to evaluate. When faced with uncomfortable challenges, that hardwired switch doesn’t have an “off” setting. Getting to off, or more critically, a deliberate pause in the recycled self-talk that diminishes our sense of choice and freedom disappears from our view.
Facing hard stuff in our lives can seem out of our control; stuff happens. Our responses to stuff that occurs determine whether we go forward or get stuck in disappointment. “Hard stuff” examples include the death of family members and friends, a lingering illness that limits our vitality, losing a long-sought-after career role, or failing to achieve an important milestone. Ready for a bit of tough love? Every experience in life arises from our choices; we are always some part, cause, or agent of our experience.
To deny that we have an inner authority to choose results in what Dr. Stephen Karpman described in 1968 as the “dreaded drama triangle.” When we fail to accept responsibility to act based on our inner authority, we produce the experience of all three roles that the triangle expresses- persecutor, rescuer, and victim. Ironically, judgmental self-talk is critical to breaking apart the cycle of the triangle. Noticing the self-talk and pausing to ask the simple question, “Is that completely true?” activates curiosity. We always possess more capability and resourcefulness than shows up in any situation that feels uncomfortable or disruptive. Curiosity reconnects us to our innate resourcefulness and creativity, and we remember that we are far more than a specific situation. Our connection with human wholeness starts a cycle of insight, learning, growth, and change.
When I switch the question to ask myself, “Am I being who I am meant to be?” my attention focuses differently. With a shift from “doing” to “being,” my self-talk examines my inherent capability for other qualities, more positive traits, and an optimistic mindset. Those moments of reflection when I pause remind me that I’ve been living an outdated story for success. That story goes like this: Only when I do, do, and do some more, will I have what I need to be happy. This old story developed a tremendous capacity for perseverance, grit, and discipline to produce outcomes. That old story also produced a lot of less desirable traits that showed up in those “hard stuff” situations. A new story forms from a focus on “being” rather than “doing”: When I am “being” me, my essential and core self, and make choices about what “doing” optimizes the traits of that core, I have a rich and fulfilling life each moment. Boil this down to easily remember it. As you answer the question, “Am I being who I am meant to be?” you rewrite the exhausting old story of “Do, Have, Be” into the generative story of “Be, Do, Have.”
What if I told you that this judgmental instinct that leads to asking a fundamental question about being who you are meant to be has the power to make you a remarkable leader? When embraced and channeled, judgment invites internal reflection that reveals our experience of a values conflict, an outdated belief, or a premise for a decision. Leaders of a team or an enterprise who take the opportunity to pull back for perspective can examine what occurs across the system that produces unsatisfactory results. This act of curiosity often exposes habits, preferences, and assumptions that no longer match the current business reality.
Here’s an example for leaders to consider. This week, the Financial Times reported that fully remote employees are less productive than their counterparts. However, employees who enjoy a hybrid flow – in the office some and work from anywhere some – are equally productive versus employees in the office full time. The power of choice to design a schedule that balances the competing professional and personal commitments every person faces, works, and generates an empowering retention strategy versus the more traditional, everyone-in-the-office policy. Without the benefit of noticing judgmental thoughts and then pausing to get some perspective, leaders risk making decisions that are less effective than could be possible. As Gallup consistently reports in their research on the employee experience, leaders must “heal stress to create enthusiasm” at the heart of improving engagement in a sustaining fashion. The debate about the post-pandemic office hours and locations provoked a great deal of stress, and the enterprises winning this debate are choosing to adopt a perspective for flexibility and giving trust to the workforce to get their confidence and engagement in return.
Leaders who focus on conversations that support team members to shift the question to examine who they are “being” versus “doing” will surface what matters the most to feel satisfied and, ultimately, enthusiastic about their role. Producing spaces for conversation about how personal life purpose and enterprise purpose intersect invites authenticity and liberates the best of each person. That’s how leaders deliver on the promise of maximizing potential to achieve productivity and profitability improvements.